Vivoleum

Let’s just accept it as fact: the whole energy from fossil fuels thing is bad.

Only a finite amount of oil and gas exists under the crust of our planet. Once it’s gone, it’s gone. We aren’t reclaiming it after we use it. Recycle gasoline? Come on, who are we kidding? We burn it and convert it into greenhouse gases, which just pollutes the planet. We don’t use those greenhouse gases for fuel or convert them into something more useful and less dangerous. We spill oil and petroleum products in our oceans and saturate our ground with them, but we can’t pick them back up and use them afterward.

No, we have a real problem on our hands. We’re going to use up all our fossil fuels, and then we’re going to be screwed.

Big Oil isn’t investing nearly enough money into developing alternative fuel sources. With chart-busting profits from oil and gas, why should they? They’re riding a tsunami of a wave of corporate irresponsibility, but with all that money, who’s going to stop them? Their lobby is way too strong for the government to shake them up.

It’s up to someone else to find a renewable, reliable, and economical alternative fuel source. Altruistic oil giants just don’t exist.

Or do they?

Last week, there was a huge meeting in Calgary, Alberta of Canadian oil and gas magnates. According to its website, “Canada’s largest oil and gas event had a record-breaking pre-registered attendance of nearly 20,000 visitors and exhibitors. Over 600 exhibiting companies had the opportunity to showcase the latest technologies, products, and services.” The keynote speakers at the luncheon on the last day of the conference were Shepard Wolffe of the US National Petroleum Council and ExxonMobil’s Florian Osenberg.  Word was that these notable gentlemen would talk about a study commissioned by the US Department of Energy.

The 300 or so luncheon attendees were treated to an impressive PowerPoint presentation and entertainment by the YesMen. The execs just didn’t realize that the YesMen were entertainment, exactly. They appeared to be representatives of Exxon-Mobil and the National Petroleum Council and had a mind-blowing proposition.

Why not use human remains as a renewable energy resource? We’re just like whales, after all, just slightly smaller. Since we like to “biggie size” ourselves, that makes so much more of us that is just being wasted when we die. Something should be done about the wasteful behavior associated with our funeral rites.

Burial? Inefficient and expensive. The half-lives of these bodies in their satin-padded, air-tight caskets are too long. Cremation? No, no. Cremation actually consumes the fossil fuels we’re trying to conserve these days. Viking funeral? What?  Do you mean litter the oceans with more garbage?

The GO-EXPO actually distributed a news release to assure people that “Keynote Luncheon speakers were impersonating representatives from Exxon Mobil and National Petroleum Council.” These are not the droids you’re looking for, lunch-goers. Move along.

This is satire by The Yes Men on par with Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal.” The pranksters actually distributed vigil candles made of their product, “Vivoleum.” Brilliant!

According to its website, “The Yes Men agree their way into the fortified compounds of commerce, ask questions, and then smuggle out the stories of their hijinks to provide a public glimpse at the behind-the-scenes world of business. In other words, the Yes Men are team players… but they play for the opposing team.”

It took me hours to access Vivoleum.com, the web page touting the Yes Men’s “product.” Perhaps because Exxon was busy yelling “trademark infringement” and generally not being good sports over being the tool and butt of one of the best practical jokes I think I’ve ever heard of.