Jesus Speaks

My dear friend and neighbor laughed like a maniac when she delivered a gift to me this morning. She’s been warning me for days that she had something special for me.

At last: ANSWERS!

Naturally, I checked with Jesus on the important issues. He said, “Apartheid and genocide are evil, racism is a scourge on humanity, there’s nothing wrong with being LGBTQIA+ (in fact, it’s perfectly normal and accepted throughout the animal kingdom), abortions should be available on demand, corporations are not people, no books should ever be banned, humans are wrecking the environment, immigrants should be welcomed and refugees should be welcomed with open arms, and everyone should all ignore all mutually consensual activity involving other people’s genitals.”

Also, he reminded me that he does not now, and never has, identified as white, Republican, or Christian.

I asked a follow-up question at the request of a friend. “Why should we worship you instead of, say, Cthulhu?”

Jesus cringed.

He said, “Don’t worship me. That’s weird and stalkerish. I just want people to stop being dicks to each other.”

Last Updated on January 7, 2024 by