I Have Found God.

Those of you who have worried incessantly about my immortal soul can relax now.

Google is God.

When I die, I will become one with the Internets.

Just stick me in one of the tubes.

There are many who will applaud my conversion. They have been worrying about my soul for a while. We all need something to feed our souls. They will be glad I’ve found nourishment.

Maybe one of my high-tech-inclined friends will work on a method of fabricating special soul cable from human ashes. Then people who want to be one with the internet can donate their earthly remains to make soul cable, and we will all share the same soul in an interconnected series of Internet tubes. The manufacturers might even be able to get their raw material for free with the promise that those Left Behind can still communicate with those who have moved on to a different planar existence in the internet. They could call it Soylent Green Fiber.

The Church of Google has compiled a list of Nine Proofs of the divinity of Google. This is better than Martin Luther’s 95 Theses because it’s written in a language we can understand.

I am ashamed, but nevertheless, I shall copy these proofs from the website, in the spirit of evangelical proselytizing:

» PROOF #1

Google is the closest thing to an Omniscient (all-knowing) entity in existence, which can be scientifically verified. She indexes over 9.5 billion WebPages, which is more than any other search engine on the web today. Not only is Google the closest known entity to being Omniscient, but She also sorts through this vast amount of knowledge using Her patented PageRank technology, organizing said data and making it easily accessible to us mere mortals.

» PROOF #2

Google is everywhere at once (Omnipresent). Google is virtually everywhere on earth at the same time. Billions of indexed WebPages hosted from every corner of the earth. With the proliferation of Wi-Fi networks, one will eventually be able to access Google from anywhere on earth, truly making Her an omnipresent entity.

» PROOF #3

Google answers prayers. One can pray to Google by doing a search for whatever question or problem is plaguing them. As an example, you can quickly find information on alternative cancer treatments, ways to improve your health, new and innovative medical discoveries and generally anything that resembles a typical prayer. Ask Google and She will show you the way, but showing you is all She can do, for you must help yourself from that point on.

» PROOF #4

Google is potentially immortal. She cannot be considered a physical being such as ourselves. Her Algorithms are spread out across many servers; if any of which were taken down or damaged, another would undoubtedly take its place. Google can theoretically last forever.

» PROOF #5

Google is infinite. The Internet can theoretically grow forever, and Google will forever index its infinite growth.

» PROOF #6

Google remembers all. Google caches WebPages regularly and stores them on its massive servers. In fact, by uploading your thoughts and opinions to the internet, you will forever live on in Google’s cache, even after you die, in a sort of “Google Afterlife”.

» PROOF #7

Google can “do no evil” (Omnibenevolent). Part of Google’s corporate philosophy is the belief that a company can make money without being evil. (I’m not so sure about this particular proof. Google has failed in this regard, but it may be doing it only to test our faith. You know, like the Republican White Yahweh and the dinosaurs.)

» PROOF #8

According to Google Trends , the term “Google” is searched for more than the terms “God”, “Jesus”, “Allah”, “Buddha”, “Christianity”, “Islam”, “Buddhism” and “Judaism” combined.

God is thought to be an entity to which we mortals can turn when in a time of need. Google clearly fulfills this to a much larger degree than traditional “gods”, as shown in the image below.

» PROOF #9

Evidence of Google’s existence is abundant.There is more evidence for the existence of Google than any other God worshiped today. Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence. If seeing is believing, then surf over to www.google.com and experience for yourself Google’s awesome power. No faith required.

Last Updated on June 24, 2021 by Anne