Holding That Sword of Damn Oakley’s Over Congress

America has asked why Eleusia has the happiest citizens and enjoys unprecedented economic stability and security. Our government structures appear to be the same as yours, yet our government functions smoothly while yours is rife with gridlock and acrimony; our people are happy while yours suffer and argue acrimoniously.

The difference is integrity.

Over each Electi’s seat in our Cubiculum Corpus Electi hangs a heavy sword held in place by four hair-thin strands. The swords are copies of the one carried 346 years ago by the great philosopher and founder of Eleusia, Damn Oakley. According to legend, the hairs holding the swords came from the heads of Damn Oakley’s virtuous daughters, Liberty, Truth, Justice, and Compassion. They are charmed and adhere strongly and firmly to those swords. They don’t stretch, sway, or move, even when someone touches them. Each Electi casts votes only when occupying their assigned seat below the sword.

They say Damn Oakley hated his name from a very early age. Why was his name a word other children were not allowed to say? A typographical error on his original birth certificate doomed him but made him reliable, kind, and thoughtful.

He learned that the teasing laughter turned into companionable laughter when he joined in. First, he would agree with his bully and say something humble. A conversation would ensue, and a conversion would occur. Inevitably, a friendship would form. Damn Oakley never gave orders. He always suggested and then explained why. Others understood his reasoning and followed him. If they disagreed with him, they explained and sometimes persuaded Damn Oakley to a different position.

As he grew to manhood, Damn Oakley (even his closest friends and family always used both names, slurring the words together) became the ethical barometer by which his contemporaries gauged everyone’s actions. They asked themselves, “What would Damn Oakley do?” They recognize that while Damn Oakley acted a certain way during his time, now he might choose differently. The question always assumes that Damn Oakley has sufficient information to assess a situation.

As Damn Oakley taught, our Electi cast votes in the Cubiculum based on their conscience and only after Deep Thought. They carefully weigh the consequences of each vote. Each cynical or disingenuous vote causes a hair holding the sword above them to snap. If they cast a vote based not on conscience but upon promises of gifts, upon deals made in smoky back rooms or over tiny but delicate cups of the rarest caf shat from the asses of even rarer wild cats of the night, or in consideration of money promised toward re-election (or the Electi’s daughter’s wedding, or their son’s education, or their mistress’s jewels, or to compensate the parents of the child the Electi molested most recently), one hair holding the sword releases its grip. We believe that a single hair from the head of only one of Damn Oakley’s daughters is strong enough to suspend the sword, but no Electi has yet had the nerve to test that theory. No great sword has ever fallen to split the skull of a dishonest member of our Corpus Electi. None has needed to.

Unlike in your realm, these swords of Damn Oakley’s result in a pork-free diet in the halls of our Cubiculum. None of the Electi must temper loyalty to one issue by his loyalty to another. Our Eleusian Electi have more integrity in one hair of their heads than all your legislators collectively have in their greedy, grasping hands and their factional allegiances.

Of course, our Electi may try to persuade their colleagues to act on legislation that would benefit the home Canto of only one or two members of the Corpus Electi. To succeed, they must make a good case for their causes. If your Congress did this, American spending would fall sharply. The Deep Thought requirement would be sobering enough to stop voting based on greased palms.

Are your politicians capable of Deep Thought? Just to be able to engage their thought processes, they will have to stop sniping at one another like middle school siblings. It is painfully evident that these Electi of yours are not doing the jobs they were elected to do.

The Hedonist school was a short-lived Philosophical Fancy. It is well known in Eleusia that for any government to succeed, the philosophies of all political factions must bend. None need break, but all must bow. Honor compels it, just as honor compels thoughtful rhetoric.

When our Electi carefully consider the ramifications of each vote, regardless of whether it is cast for, against, or held null, they are impervious to the charms of luxury vacations, sexual dalliances, or personal adulation. Our Electi will never hesitate to accept such gifts, but they retain strength of purpose. They will enjoy the gifts for what they are and, in the morning, stride purposefully to the Cubiculum Electi and cast their conscience with the pull of the bronze lever, leaving the sword above to hang firmly in place. Your lobbyists are as corrupt as the Senators and Congressmen whose favor they seek to curry. They shout each other down in the hallways of your Capitol Building, each spending more than the last in bribes for your elected officials. We cannot understand why you are not ashamed of these lobbyists’ behavior. Half act as though they own the Congressmen and Senators, while the other half are such boot-licking, sniveling, obsequious suck-ups that even we cringe for them.

You ask us how to repair your system. Eleusia has ten suggestions. Change will be difficult, and your politicians will not be happy. Perhaps you should replace them all at the start.

First, amend your constitution to declare that only living, breathing human beings are persons. Corporate personhood is fiction. Your government was laudably established as one “of the people, by the people, and for the people,” not for economic entities or blocs of people acting solely for financial interest. Corporations should not have a right to vote or government representation. By treating corporations as people, your country has stifled the voices of the people who must live within it.

Second, pay your highest elected officials the average wage of your state or nation. Allow them access only to the same health care plans and retirement benefits as ordinary workers. When they share the status of those they rule, they will govern with compassion, reason, and integrity. Officials who do not perform their jobs adequately should lose them. Require an automatic “no confidence” ballot when the official’s popularity polls show that 35% or fewer of their constituents approve of their job performance. Require elected officials to attend every session of their Corpus Electi, excusing absences only for illness, tragedy, or other unavoidable matters. More than three unexcused absences should trigger the “no confidence” ballot. If one is to represent, one must be present. It’s part of the word.

Third, limit the bills presented for votes to a single subject. Of course, some will be more wide-ranging than others, but by keeping the components of each bill relevant to its primary purpose, you will remove the temptation of a quid pro quo. Limiting these bills to a focused subject will allow them to pass or fail on their own merits.

Fourth, limit your congressional sessions. Convene them twice yearly, for two weeks each in February and August. The public should be knowledgeable and able to discuss bills with their elected representatives, who would be accessible to their constituents in the weeks preceding the session. Publish proposed bills at least two months before the semi-annual sessions. Demand that your officials study any bills introduced and be able to discuss them intelligently. Any preliminary committee or other business should occur in the months before the session. The two weeks in session should be dedicated to voting on bills, with safeguards that require the integrity of your elected voting officials.

Fifth, require that public discourse by your elected officials remain civil. Censure anyone who engages in name-calling, insults, stereotyping, or shouting, and remove from office anyone who repeatedly violates the civility rule. Require debate to include substantiated facts, statistics, witnesses, data, and analysis that makes sense. Inquests and committee hearings should function to gather information. At this time in your country, they do not; instead, they serve as a platform for shameful grandstanding. Forbid filibusters and forbid blocking of votes. Rational, compassionate laws come only from logic coupled with sincere empathy.

Sixth, address appointments to the executive or judicial branches of government promptly. The appointee should take office automatically if their appointment is neither approved nor disapproved within two sessions.

Seventh, open your country’s borders to admit those who want to live there and can contribute to their communities. Even the most negligible contributions of menial or unskilled labor help a community. Everyone residing in your country should have the right to guide its laws and policies through an elected representative. Ensure that anyone legally living within your borders can vote in local, regional, and national offices.

Eighth, recall and replace any elected official who demonstrates an appearance of impropriety. Improprieties include violations of the law, sexual misconduct in which there is an imbalance of power or coercion, knowingly false statements, and statements and actions of intolerance based on race, religion, national origin, gender, sexual orientation, age, or any other status held by any identifiable group.

Ninth, limit the length and cost of election season. No candidate should spend more than the sums available to every other candidate in any contest. The electorate should not be subject to election advertising for longer than six weeks. Hold only one election per year. Institute ranked-choice voting for every position.

Tenth, institute a code of ethics and oversight independent of the political process. While you do not have access to our magical swords of Damn Oakley’s, find another device that works equally well. Your lack of integrity compromises your government and your nation.

Remove money and disproportionate influence from government decisions. Create an atmosphere where integrity is valued. Emphasize ethics.

In Eleusia, our Electi know that the swords are only a symbol of our founding myth. Still, those swords remind them to act with integrity, which our culture values.

If your culture and its politicians valued integrity, your society could be as great as ours.

Last Updated on December 29, 2023 by