Why Is Our Moon Called “The Moon”?

Back in 2012, a friend of mine created a Facebook Group with a mission that, famously and notoriously, got a hat-tip on BoingBoing. His Campaign to Rename the Moon is based on the irrefutable logic that

“The Moon” is a stupid name for our moon. As a species, we should all come together and come up with something even marginally more creative. The planet Jupiter has 63 moons. NONE of them is named “Moon.” This has got to be the biggest astronomical gaffe in the Universe. Imagine our first contact with alien life and the small talk that might ensue: “So, what do you call your moon?” “Um…Moon?” Silence.

This isn’t just a big astronomical gaffe. It’s an astronomically big astronomical gaffe.

If our Moon does not possess an individual name that expresses its cachet and uniqueness, how can we differentiate it among all those other nameless moons out there? It is at risk of being condemned as a generic. Like everything generic, beings will assume that there is nothing special about it, that it possesses not one smidgen of distinction, that it can be lumped with all other nameless bodies of dust in the universe.

We cannot allow this to happen.

A week after the Campaign to Rename the Moon launched, some scurrilous scalawag¹ started a counter-reformation: The Campaign to Preserve the Moon’s Most Glorious Name. Predictably, it failed to gain much traction and has sort of withered on the vine. (Sorry, James.)

How did the generic “moon” become a name? Perhaps because it is the only one visible to the naked eye from Earth. Until 1610, when Galileo trained his homemade telescope on Jupiter, no other such satellites were known to exist.²

Most people look at this situation backwards.

One of the main issues Moon suffers from is capitalization. (I’m not talking about capitalization as in “selling acreage of our sublime mistress of the night to raise funds for a name change,” but that’s a distinct possibility.)³ I mean capitalization in the sense that if “Moon” is the proper name of Earth’s only natural satellite, it should always be spelled with a capital M.⁴ Otherwise, it’s just a generic term for a satellite of natural composition and consistent orbital path around a larger celestial body.⁵

Think about it. How many inventions, trademarks, and names have become the generic term for future similar iterations?

Can you Bush Hog the overgrown lot with a John Deere? The Kleenex you just used was in a box labeled “Puffs.” Can you play Frisbee Golf with another brand of flying disc? Did you just Google more generic brand names using your iPhone’s Safari browser?

The Bayer company is all too familiar with this problem. Did you know that “heroin” and “aspirin” were trademarks for their patented drugs? The Treaty of Versailles actually stripped those trademarks from the German company.⁶

Spellcheck demanded that I capitalize “Bush Hog,” “Kleenex,” “Frisbee,” and “Google.” Presumably because there was an international treaty addressing the issue, it did not demand the same for “aspirin” or “heroin.” Too many people fail to capitalize “Moon” when referring to the OG natural satellite.

In a way, those who have used “moon” to mean any old natural satellite orbiting a planet seem to think that Moon is a “generic” brand. A prototype, if you will. The ACME Corporation has reproduced them all. Ask someone what Coke they want with their burger, for instance. If they say “Dr Pepper,” you’ll know they’re from the South.⁷

Before the counter-reformation gets ahead of itself, I shall nip one of its predictable arguments in the bud. Yes, I grant that federal law generally does not allow the registration of trademarks that are “primarily geographically descriptive.”⁸ However, since there is only one Moon, its name is known to everyone, it consistently appears as a cis-female person in ancient religions across the globe, and its appearance and location change moment by moment, our Moon is not a “geographic descriptor.” No one says, “turn left at the Moon,” or “second Moon to the right and straight on ’til morning.” It does not serve as a landmark. It is an entity in its own right, and it deserves respect and recognition as such. ⁹

If “Moon” is indeed the name and has become genericized as a catch-all prototype, how will we rectify this?

First, by following the proper protocol and capitalizing the name whenever we refer to the first and greatest Moon our species ever saw. There’s no international treaty revoking its right to its own name.

Second, we defend the venerable name of Moon by demanding that anyone using the lower case when referring to it Cease And Desist. At Once. Transgressors shall be slapped with public censure, and they will be required to provide steep pecuniary compensation to the Campaign to Rename the Moon, as the Moon’s next friend, representative, and attorney-in-fact. We will start with small bloggers, school children, and others who cannot afford legal counsel. We will force all history books to call Moon by its rightful name. And then, we will take on the Establishment.¹⁰

And, finally, by rebranding our beloved satellite with an appropriate new name. Perhaps Moon will sell its naming rights. Perhaps, like Prince, it will choose a glyph to represent it. Think of it as a rite-of-passage ceremony, a coming of age, if you will, as we have clearly come into an age in which we know other natural satellites exist in abundance. Think of it as Earth’s Sole Natural Satellite (Moon’s Version).

In Moon’s own words:

My name is Moon. It means Moon. There is only one, and that Moon is I, Moon.

Other objects circling other objects are not ‘moons’. Those are satellites, acolytes, or sycophants.

I admit, it’s a big compliment to be imitated all the time. All these purported ‘Moons.’

However, my name is Moon and if I want to change it, I will.

You’ll get plenty of warning … I guarantee.

This is the promised warning. Cease and Desist. Want to keep using Moon™ as a generic term? PAY ME MOON.

I remain a proud booster of the Campaign to Rename the Moon.

Footnotes

1
also a friend
2
If we can’t see them, they aren’t there, right? We come out of the womb knowing that’s a fact, at least until we learn object permanence and the scientific method, and dismiss foolishness about exceptionalism.
3
If anyone’s on board for that, we accept Zelle, Cash App, PayPal (friends and family transfers only, please), or Venmo. In fact, if we raise enough money for this venture, we could sell the naming rights. Imagine if Elon donated his trillion-dollar pay package to me our project and we gave him naming rights? He comes up with creative names for his kids; surely a space geek like him could come up with something creative for our beloved closest celestial neighbor.
4
Also, see what I did there? I capitalized “Earth.” Because it’s a name.
5
I’d link that definition, but as of this moment, NASA’s page for scientific Moon Facts has been taken down. They’re probably updating it with a contextual timeline of the U.S. President’s apparent adverse affliction by it.
6
Allied countries seized German assets in their jurisdictions during World War I and played keepsies when they finally defeated Germany.
7
If they say “Pepsi,” move away from them slowly. They may be a lunatic.
8
For a thorough examination of this law and its ramifications, please see Trimble, Marketa, “U.S. Law of Geographical Trademarks, ‘Google Effects,’ Historical Developments, and U.S. International Obligations: Proposal for Changes to the Lanham Act, 112 The Trademark Reporter 706 et seq. (2022)
9
No one would dare not capitalize Taylor’s name in “The Swift Effect,” and she’s only marginally less famous than our Moon.
10
They know who they are.

Footnotes

Related